December 7th, 2009
Just say no!
I went to a party on Saturday night I didn’t get laid, and didn’t get in a fight (Hey, reminds me of Lita Ford’s Kiss me Deadly) and was looking forward to a night of good drinks, food and fun. This is a new friend of ours via a guy who knows a guy….Anyway, he did pass the fuck test as mentioned in my first post so he couldn’t be a bad guy. Well, he’s not a bad guy, but he’s a cheap mf er. He did have a bar which was a good sign. I ordered up a Vodka/Cranberry and got a red plastic cup of goodness. I sipped it and thought, “uh oh….” I am no Vodka snob by any means, but I had to ask the bartender what she was serving me. It was what seemed like a gallon sized container of Smirnoff. I knew I was in for trouble. Who the hell drinks that shit other than teenagers that get hobos to buy up for them and hobos that get a tip from teenagers for buying up for them.
I went with the flow and after only two drinks, I was totally unfit for any party behavior and found myself returning my dinner in the toilet out the wrong end. I even had to cab it home about 1 mile away. My wife was double bitten as well where some very cheap champagne was served and she was blowing chunks too. That stuff tasted like the shit they used to sell at the market with the yellow labels. As a matter of fact, it wouldn’t surprise me if it came from the bowels of their cabinet and did have a yellow label on it.
Anyways, I think we need a new test for cheap liquor at holiday parties…where, sure they can be a friend, but know to b.y.o. at the next one because you may not live to tell about it. Be warned!!!!
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December 4th, 2009
I’ve been following the Tiger around. I say big frigging deal. He cheated…so what. The bigger issue is that he is a total dumbshit because with all that money, he couldn’t cover it up. He left little bitch voicemails to these girls and sent them texts and emails (according to the tabs) that make him look like a big pussy rather than a Tiger. Pussy Woods, now that’s a household name…..
What is this guy thinking? With all that cash, he could have just hired his fun and that would have been that. Instead, the guy thinks he’s committing to every girl he bones. I just don’t understand these famous guys and their idiotic ways. Congrats to Elin, she won the lottery! You think a girl like that really thought Tiger was the bomb? Now, she can get a real man who cheats like a man and all paid for P. Woods.
Tags: dumbasses
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December 4th, 2009
So I decided to come to work in the afternoon and I just experienced a moment of shame which you can all relate to. Perhaps someone has a solution for me….So I have the urge to take a piss. This is usually quite exciting as I get to take a brief walk down the hall and usually the bathroom is my own on a Friday afternoon. I get to the urinal and some really tall guy gets in the urinal right next to me. I cannot piss. I had to piss like an elephant about 2 minutes ago, but now, I am blocked. Is he watching me? So, unfortunately, this guy gets blocked up too, but he starts first and takes at least 30-40 seconds to get it all out. Meanwhile, I am just standing there. Then, he turns around, barely starts walking away and the floodgates open. Ohhh the shame….
Tags: shame
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December 4th, 2009
I hate being sick. I am sick of being sick.
I think I am finally over it so I can start ranting my bullshit here.
I am at the doctor getting treated for my flu or whatever the hell I had. I am in there doing my best not to touch anything or anyone and then this old fuck sits down next to me. Picture a room with like 100 seats, 94 are empty and he sits next to me. Ok, fine, until he pulls out a hanky and starts gagging and snotting into the thing. Who uses a fucking hanky these days? Who knows what other bodily fluids he had in there. He hacking away in that thing and then he drops it on the floor onto my shoe. I am livid, but polite. Do I move? Do I stay and be polite? Then he starts talking to me about his ailments and every other word is followed up with a long clearing of his throat where he then re-swallows whatever came up. Get me the fuck out of here!!!! So here is my escape, sitting on the toilet, blogging this in real time. Thank god for iPhones!
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November 25th, 2009
How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an altar boy
Tags: jokes
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November 24th, 2009
What did popeye do when his dick hurt?
He stuck in olive oil
Tags: joke
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November 23rd, 2009
Ok…So I was at the gym tonight and am making an observation. Now, I realize that the locker room is a place to chill out and all, but it started to feel like a bath-house. There’s always the guy that has to chat you up and get in your face, all the while, his dong is about to slap your thigh and all this time, I am trying to look him in the eye. Then gramps walks in with his balls down to ankles and makes his way to the hot tub but rather than get in, he has to sit on th rim. Then, I take a shower and of course, there are no doors and the guy next to me is feeling chatty as he is polishing his scrotum.
This is just too stressful. I am no more homophobic than the regular guy but fuck, I woud prefer that when the clothes come off, the mouth closes shut.
Tomorrow, I am going jogging.
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November 22nd, 2009
Ok. Since I am a regular guy living a pretty regular life, I am condemned to regular rituals. One ritual that is unsaid but annoying is having to be instant buddies with my kids’s friends parents. I like meeting people as much as the next guy, but fuck, do I need to hang out with a guy because my wife is friends with his wife or because my kids are friends with his? Yes, of course. I have to share my beer, piss away a day of golfing, watch football and obtain a lifetime sentence or at least until the wive’s get sick of each other or until my kid does something to offend their little bastard. Can I get a pass because I am sick of them? Hell no, however, the good news is that women and children usually get sick of their new friends after a few weeks and I can get back to my happydouche free life.
Tags: Fake
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November 20th, 2009
Is it just me or do you have to friggin pray that every time that you take a dump, it’s not going to be a big mess. I don’t like this unpredictability that has been haunting me my whole life.
Sometimes, I wipe and like a boyscout, I leave no trace. But other times, it’s the wipe that keeps on giving. Pretty soon you’re working on the entire role of paper and when you think you’ve licked it, you wipe once more for good measure and it’s like you’ve discovered some crude oil leak.
Anybody know the right way to do this? Perhaps my daddy didn’t teach me proper.
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November 20th, 2009
After turning 21 or so, I lost my appreciation for the older woman. Prior to turning 21, I worked in the retail industry where I would regularly get hit on by the married MILF’s but back then, they wore slutty office wear and the MILF thing wasn’t so popular. Then all of a sudden, new moms decided that they needed to get in shape, wear tight jeans and tops, get drunk and party! Now that I am older and have kids, I look forward to going to functions because it’s just rooms full of horny moms that are still as horny as the slutty office MILF, but are now in plentiful consumption. Also, they love to get drunk and rub their MILFYness all around, making for a some of the bluest and most painful nutters one can have; however, a small price to pay for evolution of the MILF. Wikipedia, take dat!
Tags: MILFS
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